


setting fire to our insides for fun

by ohallows



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Difficult Decisions, Drunken Confessions, M/M, Other, sometimes you gotta have hard discussions with people you love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-19 03:20:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20202877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohallows/pseuds/ohallows
Summary: Zolf and Hamid have a lot left unsaid. It had to explode sometime.





	setting fire to our insides for fun

**Author's Note:**

> haha they were supposed to kiss and be happy. this is not (totally) that. i’d apologize, but. you know. sad crimes ahead babey. we’re gonna call this a vent fic bc of how wildly it veers. it started happy and then i started thinking abt it and, well. it still ends pretty soft tho
> 
> warnings for discussion of potential character death (re: episode 118)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: this was written before cel’s age was revealed! as they’re like.... in their 40s/50s in human years and clearly significantly older than azu, i no longer feel comfortable shipping them, but i also don’t want to take these fics down. so, just a heads up, this was written from a perspective where they were much closer in age. also i won’t be writing any more azu/cel for reasons stated above.

“What was one of my dumbest decisions…” Zolf says, tapping the top half of his leg as he stares off into the distance. “Well, getting drafted onto the pirate ship where I lost my leg was one of them. Although these,” he raps his new, shiny, metal legs, “have come in dead handy a few times. Can run forever when you don’t have muscles to worry about.”

“Pirates!” Cel exclaims, glint in their eye. “I’ve _ always _ wanted to work on a pirate ship, is it as fun as it sounds?” 

Zolf shrugs. “It was… alright. I didn’t really have a choice, joining up. Sometimes were more fun than others. Still more fun than being on a Navy ship. More accepting, too.”

“How’d you lose your leg?” Cel asks next, propping their head up on their hand as they lean forward and… almost _ inspect _Zolf. 

“Definitely not a dumb decision, nor my worst one. Story for another time, maybe,” Zolf says, and Cel pouts but doesn’t push the issue, instead settling back next to Azu and their head on her shoulder. 

“What about you three? Worst or most embarrassing moments?” Zolf says, eager to get the spotlight off of him, and the wine is starting to go to his head as he looks across the table at Azu and Cel. Hamid is a warm presence at his side, four glasses in, slightly leaning against Zolf with a smile etched across his face. 

“Ooh! My turn, I want to go next,” Cel says, and they’re up off the couch in a moment, hands splayed wide and affecting a serious look as they tell their own story.

“There was this one time, right, and it was maybe Jasper’s fault, maybe mine, I don’t - reminisce? No. Recall. I don’t _ recall _,” they snap as they figure out the right word and Zolf can’t help but throw up a quick thumbs up and a nod in their direction. He likes Cel. 

“Anyway, we decided to mix a couple of chemicals together, just like any other day, want to see if they’re an effective deterrent, and maybe it was me giving the wrong directions or maybe it was Jasper not listening, who’s to say? We poured ‘em both together - and, see, this was supposed to be a minor irritant in a gaseous form, right, nothin’ too special, but there was a huge BOOM! and me ‘n him were thrown back. 

“Lost a chunk of my hair that day, I did, and we never did mix those two chemicals together again. My shop still has the scorch marks from that close call.”

“Oh, that’s a good one,” Zolf says. “Very… bombastic,” and Cel reaches over to give him a high-five, which he almost bemusedly returns. 

His gaze floats over to Azu. “Care to share?”

She leans back in the chair and nods, tapping her finger against her thigh. “My dumbest decision… oh! A few years ago, when I’d first joined the church of Aphrodite, I had a massive crush on this woman in my healing seminar. She was gorgeous, and I wanted to impress her, so I convinced myself to ask her over to the rapids near the temple. They were beautiful, actually, especially at dusk, so we snuck out and ran to them. And then I decided to jump in the river, but I didn’t realize how powerful it was. 

“The current was so strong that it swept my legs out from under me and I fell, dashing my head on a rock. Thankfully, she pulled me out and healed me, but it was so embarrassing I never tried to talk to her again,” Azu laughs, self-deprecating, and takes another sip of her wine. 

Zolf gives her a sympathetic smile, before nudging the halfling resting against his arm. Hamid blinks up at him. “Dumbest moment?” he says, and if his voice comes out gentler than he intended, he can blame the wine, and Hamid isn’t likely to remember anyway. 

“Oh, I know Hamid’s,” Azu pipes up before Hamid can respond, and the gleam in her eye is mostly from the wine, but there’s a hint of disappointment and anger there that the wine can’t completely hide from Zolf.

Hamid looks nervous, now, eyes darting between Azu and Zolf as he laughs to cover up his panic, hands coming up as though he’s trying to wave away the thought. “We really don’t need to get into it,” he murmurs, almost demure. 

Cel, for one, refuses to let this deter them. They push their goggles up their head and peer at Hamid like a scientist looking at a particularly interesting specimen, and Hamid nearly shrinks under their gaze. 

“I think we do,” Cel decides, and Zolf can see the guilt start to color Hamid’s face again as he looks at Azu. Who only gives him a look back, and it’s clear that she won’t share it without his permission.

He gives it with a slight incline of his head and a shrug, if only because the wine is affecting him just as its affecting Azu, and Zolf has been pretending all night not to notice how his face has been gradually progressing to flushed. 

Azu leans forward, like she’s sharing a secret, and now she’s _ definitely _giving Hamid a disapproving look as she announces it for them all to hear.

“Hamid cast Fireball on himself in Rome,” she says, and it’s like a sheet of silence falls over the room as Hamid winces ever-so-slightly.

“That sounds much more dramatic than it was -“ Hamid starts saying, but Zolf can’t hear him over the blood pounding in his ears. See, Zolf might not be a sorcerer like Hamid, but he knows the pure destructive power a spell like Fireball contains, he knows how dangerous it can be, and Hamid _ cast it on himself, _probably to be a hero again, and he can feel his shoulders tensing up as Cel chatters away. 

“ - you catch on fire? Did you explode? Probably not, you’re all still here, anyway, so it must have been a localized effect,” Cel says, rattling things off as they poke and prod at Hamid, who doesn’t look _ uncomfortable _ as much as he looks _ confused _. 

Zolf finally gets back the ability to speak while Hamid tries to tell Cel that no, actually, it wasn’t fun, he didn’t take any measurements or record any data, he doesn’t _ think _ he feels differently, and on and on. 

“You. Did. _ What,” _Zolf says through gritted teeth, and Hamid and Cel immediately quiet down - or, well, Hamid does, while Cel launches into another round of questioning Hamid’s methods and thought process. 

“Cel, do you want to go take a walk?” Azu says suddenly, and there’s too much understanding behind her eyes as she looks at Zolf, too much pain and _ guilt _ behind her gaze, and he has to look away, before the gaping hole of guilt and anger in his own chest swallows him whole. 

“No, I want to hear about - hey!” Cel squawks as Azu picks them up. “Wow, you really _ are _ strong, huh - wait, that’s not the point, I want to hear about how Hamid exploded himself and survived, I need advice -“ they continue talking even as Azu carries them down the hallway, and Zolf can hear their muffled comments even through the door of the room until they finally fade away. 

And then it’s just him and Hamid, who’s staring at him mulishly.

“You cast _ Fireball _ on yourself?” Zolf nearly growls, hands clenching and unclenching in his lap as he tries to calm the roar in his chest, tries to at least approach this rationally instead of yelling, instead of fracturing the strand of trust and support that’s built up between them ever since Hamid got back, the one he _ broke _ when he left all of them behind in Prague. 

“It was the right decision at the time,” Hamid snaps, and he’s shrinking into himself now, arms crossed, but Zolf has never known how to let something go. 

“Hamid, that’s incredibly dangerous, you could have -“

The _ glare _ Hamid gives him at that makes him falter. “I _ know _ it was a risk, Zolf, I’m not a _ child. _I can make decisions on my own. The situation called for it, and I didn’t have any other options.”

“No other - Hamid, that spell could kill you in an _ instant, _ you’re lucky to be alive, how could you think that spell was your only option?” And Zolf knows he should shut up, knows it like he knows the fire in Hamid’s eyes when he refuses to back down, but he can’t stop thinking about Hamid lying motionless in the streets of Rome.

“Well, I’m sorry, Zolf, but you weren’t there, so you don’t get to _ lecture me _ -“

“Hamid, that was _ risky _ and _ foolish _, and -“

“Fine, then!” Hamid finally cries, throwing his hands out to the sides as he glares at Zolf. His hands are more claw-like than Zolf has ever seen them, and Hamid’s features are definitely sharper than they had been moments ago, and you’re always told not to tickle a sleeping dragon so Zolf decided to wake it up with a pail of water over its head. But he knows _ Hamid _, and he knows Hamid won’t hurt him, no matter how angry or frustrated he is, so he doesn’t flinch back.

“Let’s get it all on the table! If you want to yell at me for this, then let’s talk about the week you made us spend in a _ cage _, let’s talk about you not telling any of us about Sasha when you left, let’s -“

“It wasn’t my secret to _ tell _ , Hamid!” Zolf is yelling, now, because he _ refuses _ to feel guilty about this anymore, because he spent a year of his _ life _ feeling guilty and wrong and ashamed, and it almost killed him, and he refuses to slide back down into that dark part of his mind. “I did leave Sasha. I didn’t know how bad her condition would get, I didn’t know it would - yes. I left. I left _ you. _ And I’m sorry, but I needed to do it. I wasn’t - do you know how much I was dying, back then, from everything? I was _ powerless to help _ , and it’s not because I was in a wheelchair, it’s because I had no idea what to _ do _ , and you needed a leader who could actually… lead. Me, then… it was _ never _ going to be me.”

Silence falls between the two of them while Zolf pinches the bridge of his nose, trying not to have a breakdown. He’s had enough of those over the past eighteen months.

“I didn’t… no,” Hamid says, and there’s regret there but there’s no _ pity _, and Zolf is grateful for it. 

It’s tense between them, again. It kind of always has been, two people from two completely different backgrounds who both have some growing up to do being pushed together. Who view the world in completely different ways, who don’t always understand. But the past looks beautiful through rose-covered glasses, and in this apocalyptic world they’re living in now, a few arguments over whether or not to drown someone seem so… small. In the grand scheme. 

Hamid was _ bright _ , when they first met. There’s a reason Zolf hired him to manage the media. His smile alone could charm anyone - and _ did, _ in Zolf’s case, even though he’d tried his best to keep that particular secret under wraps. 

But now, sitting on a couch in a room they both barely recognize, Hamid isn’t bright anymore. Or, scratch that, because he _ is, _ he’s incandescent, but he’s not _ only _ that anymore. He’s more guarded, less innocent. 

The silence is uncomfortable. Not like how it used to be. See, they’ve always come so strongly together, always chipped against each other’s broken edges, two different ideologies battering against each other until they can come to some sort of conclusion. It’s been different, recently; Hamid’s got a bit harder, more jaded by the world. And maybe Zolf’s gotten a bit less - got his head on straight, realized that he can’t take every burden on his back without completely breaking.

“You could have _ killed yourself, _ Hamid,” Zolf says, and, yes, he keeps coming back to this, even when he knows he should move on.

“You weren’t _ there _ , Zolf, you don’t know what it was like in Rome, we were all going to _ die _ if I didn’t -“ Hamid starts, cutting himself off as tears form at the corner of his eyes and he looks away. “Einstein was almost dead, we were completely _ alone _ there, we couldn’t even see our enemies, Sasha was - she - Azu was hurt, we could barely _ do anything, _I couldn’t protect them, I -“

Zolf cuts him off, this time. “You’re right, I wasn’t. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you all when you needed me.”

“That’s not what I _ meant, _ Zolf. I’m not… I’m not trying to blame you for this, just _ explain _ , so let me, please,” Hamid mutters, and he sounds so _ tired, _ so much older than before, and even though eighteen months isn’t that much time, and it’s been even less for Hamid, Zolf can see the way that the weariness drags at his bones, settles in at the corner of his mouth. But his hand is still warm on Zolf’s, still presses against his fingers “I don’t… I don’t really blame you for leaving. I know everything with Mr. Ceiling, and finding out about your brother… it got to you, as it would anyone. But - but you _ don’t _ know what it was like, over there. Magic didn’t work, it was a nightmare, I couldn’t _ protect _anyone.”

“So, what, you decided that giving up your own life would be a fitting way to go?” Zolf asks, and Hamid runs a hand through his hair. 

“That wasn’t the _ point _ , Zolf,” Hamid says. “Our enemies were using Greater Invisibility, we couldn’t see them, they would have killed us all. The Fireball I cast wasn’t even that _ bad _, I was just slightly singed, is all.”

“That’s not what Azu seemed to think,” Zolf points out, crossing his arms. He’d seen the guilt in her eyes, the remnants of fear when she’d talked about it, and he _ knows _ it was worse, or could have been worse, than Hamid is letting on. 

“Everything was…” Hamid swallows, and Zolf can see the hint of exhaustion and guilt on his own face, the kind that comes up with both him and Azu anytime they speak about Rome. “Everyone was tense, there. We didn’t know if we could heal, anytime someone got injured we were worried.”

“I still think it was reckless,” Zolf says. 

“I still think it was the only choice I could have made,” Hamid replies. 

They both fall into silence (again, again, again, because this is always how it’s gone.), because _ this _ is the impasse and it always has been. 

“Why does it _ always _ come down to this, between us,” Hamid murmurs, and there’s a slight bitter twist to the corner of his mouth. 

Zolf laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “Both too stubborn, I suppose.”

Hamid makes a noncommittal noise, a soft hum in the stillness of the room. “We never were that close, were we? Any of us. Not when it got down to it,” Hamid says, and now he’s looking at Zolf again, swirling the wine around in his glass as his mouth pulls into a bittersweet smile. “I knew about your navy troubles and your brother, but not because you told me. All of Sasha’s past was forced out of her by Barrett and Mr. Ceiling. You know I was kicked out of university, but that’s about it.” 

Zolf’s mouth feels dry when he looks at Hamid, and he doesn’t know if it’s because he feels like his chest is going to compress in on itself or because of the wine, but this almost feels like an ending, and Zolf is digging his heels in before they both go hurtling off of the cliff.

“Two weeks isn’t enough time to get to know someone, really,” Hamid says, and his fingers are dancing along the table now as he shifts in his seat, and he’s sitting half an inch closer to Zolf now, and Zolf doesn’t know what it means, but he _ hopes _. “And now we’re saving the world again, and we still don’t have enough time.”

“Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe it doesn’t matter.” And Zolf has to be imagining it, because this isn’t how things go for him, has never been how things go for him, but Hamid is moving closer, one hand _ burning _ hot as it presses against Zolf’s chest. And, oh, maybe it’s not an ending, after all.

Hamid leans in, and, hell, Zolf’s always gently orbited around him, it’s _ so easy _ to be pulled in as Hamid’s mouth finds his. 

It’s not fireworks, or explosions, or any other bad metaphor Zolf can think of. It’s… soft. Hamid’s lips are soft. The hand on his chest is soft, gentle. 

It’s _ sweet _. And then he’s settling his hands on Hamid’s lips and pulling him closer, always closer, and Hamid is coming willingly, and his hands are in Zolf’s hair and - oh. He can taste the wine on Hamid’s lips, and then Hamid’s hands are fisting in Zolf’s hair and he can’t hold back the gasp he gives at that. Zolf never thought he would get to have this, and they’ve both had enough wine to be bold but not enough to be unable to make a decision. 

Hamid pulls away for a moment and Zolf holds tighter to his hips - Hamid is a _ furnace _ against him, but he doesn’t feel like he’s getting burned. Hamid’s eyes _ search _ him, then, for a minute, and then they’re kissing again, and Zolf’s hand comes up to rest on the back of Hamid’s neck and feels the fiery brassy skin there, and - 

Stops, suddenly. Lets his hands drift to Hamid’s shoulders, and pushes him back.

“Wait.”

There’s still a chasm between them, and Zolf can’t let Hamid, warm and soft against him, lips and hands and chest pressing into him as though he’s afraid Zolf will leave again, make him forget that. One kiss, one more moment of affection with eighteen months between them, isn’t going to change the fact that Zolf left, that Hamid is still too reckless with his own life, that they’re both still here with gaping open wounds when they think about the people they’ve lost.

So Zolf stops. He’s pushed Hamid away and can’t look at his kiss-bruised lips, can’t let the little, annoyed hum of Hamid’s impatience draw him back in. 

“I’m still upset about this, and I know you are too,” he says again, and this is why he has to keep Hamid at arm’s length, because his brain is sighing at him, because this is everything he’s wanted and everything he never thought he would get, because Hamid is _ there _ , and he’s so close, and Zolf can still feel his phantom lips pressed against his, but this is a conversation they need to have, and may have needed to have for a while now. “You can’t - you can’t _ distract _ me from that,” and if there’s a hint of reproach in his voice, it’s soothed by Hamid immediately shaking his head.

“That’s not why I - I wasn’t trying to distract you, I promise,” Hamid says. He isn’t looking at Zolf anymore, is staring at his hands settled in his lap. “I… _ wanted _ to.”

Zolf doesn’t want to break the moment any more than Hamid wants it to be broken, but there’s an entire mess of things between them still, and a kiss can’t hide them all away. 

“Hamid, look, I care about you, okay, and I don’t want you to die, because -“ Zolf bites back the next words he wants to say. It’s… too vulnerable, too quiet even now with the faint imprint of Hamid’s lips on his. “I already thought I lost you. You and Sasha. I _ mourned _ you both. And then you came _ back, _ but Sasha didn’t, and… I can’t lose you again. Any of you, really, but especially you. I don’t know Azu and Cel well enough yet, I suppose, but I don’t want to lose them either, I just - I want to be able to save the world without losing things for once.”

Hamid gives him a sad grin. “We all want that, Zolf.”

“Promise me,” Zolf says, and it’s _ unfair _and it’s quiet because if he keeps his voice low Hamid won’t hear the desperation behind it, won’t hear the weeks of hating himself for leaving, the days he spent mourning on his own when Wilde told him that Hamid and Sasha had disappeared into Rome and no one’s heard from them in months. 

“I can’t,” Hamid says, and it’s sad and soft and broken, and he’s smiling so _ sweetly _ at Zolf but there’s no argument to be found in his voice. “You know that, right?” 

Zolf does. He hates it. And it’s not fair, it’s _ not _. Because if Hamid asked him to do the same thing, to promise not to sacrifice himself to protect people, he wouldn’t be able to agree. 

It’s quiet again, still. And there’s still a thread connecting the two of them, and it might be worn and damaged, but it’s not snapped yet, even across eighteen months and difficult decisions. 

“I’m sorry,” Zolf says, because he is. Hamid nods.

“I’m sorry, too.”

It’s not… it's not _ perfect _ , exactly, it’s not _ all fine _, again. They’ve maybe known each other for a grand total of four weeks, at this point, and one of those weeks was spent with Hamid imprisoned, and Zolf can’t fault him for hesitating. 

They’re both… different, now. He doesn’t feel the guilt curling up in his gut as often. The shame and doubt isn’t an ever-present shadow dogging at his footsteps. Leaving might not have been the best decision, he understands that, but he was so _ angry, _ so _ confused, _and he’s better now. 

Hamid is stronger, too. Talented. He’s come into his own, and Zolf’s sorry he missed it.

They’re both different. And maybe it could be better than before. They’re not broken, just… cracked. 

“Maybe…” Hamid says, and then he’s smiling at Zolf again, and he’s pulling Zolf’s hand closer to him as he presses a kiss to the knuckles. “Maybe we start over.”

Zolf gives him a confused look and Hamid changes his grip on Zolf’s hand, twining their fingers together. 

“I’m Hamid Saleh Haroun al Tahan, I make reckless decisions sometimes to protect people and I care about my friends.”

Zolf can’t help the chuckle that rises out of him at that. “Zolf Smith, cleric, I want to make sure the people I l- care about are kept safe.”

Hamid gives him a smile, a _ real _ one at that, and says, “I can’t wait to get to know you, Zolf Smith.”

It’s not _ perfect _, but it’s better. Hamid leans in to kiss him on the cheek and Zolf can’t help the rising blush, and it’s a bit too late, he’s a bit too sober to blame it on the wine. And he’s holding Zolf’s hand in his, and Zolf lets himself sink down on the couch, tugging Hamid with him until Hamid is nearly curled up against his chest. And it’s not the most comfortable position, no, but Hamid settles into him with a sigh, and Zolf realizes he doesn’t want to move any more than this.

Hamid is a comforting weight on his chest. 

“We can talk more tomorrow, Hamid,” Zolf says, and the grip Hamid has on his hand tightens for a moment. “I still… well, I still have some stories I want to tell.”

Hamid makes a soft noise of agreement, then, and curls up a little more tightly into Zolf.

Zolf lets his eyes slip shut, then, holding Hamid close, and lets himself float away into dreams. 

**Author's Note:**

> as with all my fics i like maybe 50% of this and hate the other 50% but it’s fine
> 
> comments and kudos’ are my life!


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